Its almost been 2 months since my Jay passed away. Two of the longest months in my life. Losing a loved one is hard, it seems even harder when the one who passed away is your best friend. I'd wake up, and go with her, through out the day we'd either be with each other or be texting. At night we'd wait for each other to come home and chill in each others rooms and tell each other what happened through the day. Thats something that has been the hardest to get used to. I wake up now knowing that I don't have someone to go meet up with. Knowing that even if i go down to her room, it will be empty. Just as it has been for 2 months.
The first couple of days you don't really feel it. Its just the beginning of the pain. You're surrounded by so many people, so you don't have time to feel anything. You're so overwhelmed with everything you just feel numb. You feel numb for the longest time. Theres no pain. You start feeling it when everyone starts to fade away.
People are always saying "Ill be there for you." They only are for a couple of days. Where are they when the pain really hits? No where in sight. Theres always an "I'm sorry."
There is only a couple of people who actually stick with you. Im so grateful to have them there.
They put up with my random mood swings, and listen to me nag about the stupidest things.
It didn't really hit me until school started. Waking up on the first day of junior year was just dreaded. I didn't want it to come. Me and jay were so excited for that day.
She was supposed to help me in the morning and all that fun stuff.
In the morning i woke up, but wasn't fully awake all day. I just wanted to lay back down. I didn't want to get ready knowing i didn't have my sister there to help me like she always would. I didn't have someone to text during school whenever i saw a cute boy, or something interesting happened. She wasn't there to pick me up after school so we could go get our starbucks like we had planned. The first day sucked. So many pity looks. So many glares. Getting the special treatment from the administration isn't the greatest either.
You don't feel like you belong. Someone hears the last name and they automatically assume I'm her sister. Which I'm so proud to say i am. I just wish people didn't look at me differently.
The second day of school sucked even more. My day started out with a teacher trying to preach to me about her. I don't need that. Im at school to learn, and be with friends. Its supposed to be a distraction, not a reminder. I just wanted to go home so badly, no one seemed to understand. The people who say they understand the most, didn't get it. No one did.
Im just going to miss having her here. Having the randomest conversations in the world. Randomly going cruising with her because were bored. Going to starbucks and yogurt land for our sister dates.
Its the small things one learns to miss.
People who don't even know you are always posting about you, its weird to see it. But its okay, it just a little reminder that a lot of people knew you. You're a star. The biggest star around jay.
No one understands anything, no one ever will.
The one person you i really want to talk to isn't here, well physically. Spiritually she's till here. She will always be around. I just wish that when i talked to her i were to get a reply.
Getting used to life with out you jay isn't going to be easy, but its not going to be impossible. I miss you tons. I love you to the moon and back to infinity and beyond and forever and ever.
Save me a spot up there.
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