This ones for you.

"A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor."

I read this quote the other day.. Honestly it couldn't be more true. 

Theres always gonna be something rough going on in your life.. And well. it gonna make you who you are.

Its gonna shape you. 

Thats what i like about life.. Yet i hate it.

I hate that you have to go through something bad. 

But i like the outcome.

You learn to not care, just to be your self. You also get alot stronger.

Big ol' plus to the good old life were living in. 

On another note.. Ive been thinking bout good ol' jay tons lately.

Not gonna lie, Its been a hard week. 

I'm at that whole uncomfortable stage.

Where tons is going on, yet i have no one to tell.

My emotions have been seriously jacked up.

I've been feeling sad, mad, happy, and just confused.

All at once.

What a joy!

I cant help but think of all the things we used  to do together..

Sister dates at yogurt land. Or the tacos.

The night before she passed away we had actually gone to go eat some tacos..

Greatest thing ever.

Our parents had gone to Mexico for that whole week before so it was just me and her on our own.

We usually wouldn't know what to do so we'd go eat somewhere.

Or she'd go out with her friends..

But she'd text me the whole time.

Such a peach right?

Kinda.. She'd also spend most of that week yelling at me cause im 16 with no social life.

Sorry im not as cool as you sis.

I had a heart monitor so she was on her toes most of the time with me.

It was really nice to see how much she cared for me.

She started working that week too so she wouldnt be home alot.

But there wasnt an hour where she wouldnt be asking me how i was doing.

She would come home and nap, (which bugged me cuz she could sleep the whole effing day)

then go out.. Well what a social bug she was.

I do remember one night though. 

I got home at around 12 and i was home alone..

She was coming home soon so i wasnt too worried.

Until someone came to my house and just sat in their car and stared.

I was home alone.. and there was a creeeper guy outside.

And i had some major pain in my chest and rib area.

What did i do?

Called her. 

I really didn't think of calling anyone else. I just thought i needed her.

She came home right away.

I was crying in pain. She stayed the whole night making sure i was alright.

Thats why i love her.

She cared so much.

Exactly one week before she passed away we were bored outta our minds sitting in the living room.

All we had done that day was watch t.v.

We decided to go out and do something!

We kinda wanted to go up to the canyon.. 

Both of us were really hungry.

So we spent like an hour debating on where to go eat.

We ended up at wingers.

Mostly because I had never been there before.

She parked horribly.

So the first part of dinner was me making fun of her.

Then we just sat there and talked. forrrr i think 2 hours.

It was really nice to just sit there with her.. 

I was supposed to go to Mexico that week with my parents.

I'm so glad i didnt. It gave me one full week of being with her.

Just her and i.

Her last week here.. And i got to spend it with her.

I'm so happy with the decision i made to stay.

I would of regretted it so much.

Missing my sister is one thing

Missing her voice and advice is another.

That uncomfortable stage i was talking about?

I'm quiet alot now.

I dont know what to think.

I just neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to hear her voice.

I need to talk to her.

I miss all the advice.

This stage is gonna be going on for a while.

Its hitting hard.

Sorry if i'm not the same. or if i dont text back. or if im getting really boring to talk to.

I just don't have anything to say anymore. 

  

Well im done blogging.

I found pictures of me and jay.. So i decided to post them.

 Miss pulling her blond just to piss her off.

 Christmas last year..

Enjoyyy ya'llllll.

 

Be strong. Live on.

At one point in your life you will be put in a trial. Whether its good or bad, it will happen.
Some are put through trials they don't think they can handle. 
You are put in the position you are in because you are strong enough to handle it. 
What ever you are going through don't think you cant get through it. You are strong enough. 
No one really will understand what you are going through, only you know to what extent you can handle. 
Some people can handle more than others, and some people cant handle much.
No matter what you are going through, don't give up the battle, don't give up the fight. 
You may not think its worth it, or that you're not worth it. In all reality, you ARE worth it. You're worth much more than you think. Don't let something little get to you. 
Each moment in your life is special. Cherish it. Even the simplest thing as getting out of bed.
Cherish every little detail. It may not seem important right now, but later on you will realize how much of a blessing it was that day.

Cherish your parents.
Cherish your siblings.
Cherish your friends.
Cherish family.
Cherish every little thing that crosses your way.
This is coming from experience. 

I never fully knew how much I cherished my family, especially my sister.  Never once in my mind did I think I was going to lose her. Once our family was put in that position, we learned to cherish eachother more than anything in this world.
Something to that extent taught me how to cherish everything i had.
Don't wait for something that bad teach you how to love things. 
Show your appreciation towards anybody, while you can. You never know when your chance will be gone.

Everything happens for a reason. 
You're given a purpose in life. 
Only you know where you will go in life and how far you will go.
Believe in yourself. Thats what really matters. 

Cherish. Be strong. Live on.
 

I'm "fine."

Its almost been 2 months since my Jay passed away. Two of the longest months in my life. Losing a loved one is hard, it seems even harder when the one who passed away is your best friend. I'd wake up,  and go with her, through out the day we'd either be with each other or be texting. At night we'd wait for each other to come home and chill in each others rooms and tell each other what happened through the day. Thats something that has been the hardest to get used to. I wake up now knowing that I don't have someone to go meet up with. Knowing that even if i go down to her room, it will be empty. Just as it has been for 2 months. 

The first couple of days you don't really feel it. Its just the beginning of the pain. You're surrounded by so many people, so you don't have time to feel anything. You're so overwhelmed with everything you just feel numb. You feel numb for the longest time. Theres no pain. You start feeling it when everyone starts to fade away. 

People are always saying "Ill be there for you." They only are for a couple of days. Where are they when the pain really hits? No where in sight. Theres always an "I'm sorry." 

There is only a couple of people who actually stick with you. Im so grateful to have them there. 

They put up with my random mood swings, and listen to me nag about the stupidest things. 

It didn't really hit me until school started. Waking up on the first day of junior year was just dreaded. I didn't want it to come. Me and jay were so excited for that day.

She was supposed to help me in the morning and all that fun stuff.

In the morning i woke up, but wasn't fully awake all day. I just wanted to lay back down. I didn't want to get ready knowing i didn't have my sister there to help me like she always would. I didn't have someone to text during school whenever i saw a cute boy, or something interesting happened. She wasn't there to pick me up after school so we could go get our starbucks like we had planned. The first day sucked. So many pity looks. So many glares. Getting the special treatment from the administration isn't the greatest either. 

You don't feel like you belong. Someone hears the last name and they automatically assume I'm her sister. Which I'm so proud to say i am. I just wish people didn't look at me differently.

The second day of school sucked even more. My day started out with a teacher trying to preach to me about her. I don't need that. Im at school to learn, and be with friends. Its supposed to be a distraction, not a reminder. I just wanted to go home so badly, no one seemed to understand. The people who say they understand the most, didn't get it. No one did.

Im just going to miss having her here. Having the randomest conversations in the world. Randomly going cruising with her because were bored. Going to starbucks and yogurt land for our sister dates. 

Its the small things one learns to miss. 

People who don't even know you are always posting about you, its weird to see it. But its okay, it just a little reminder that a lot of people knew you. You're a star. The biggest star around jay.

No one understands anything, no one ever will. 

The one person you i really want to talk to isn't here, well physically. Spiritually she's till here. She will always be around. I just wish that when i talked to her i were to get a reply. 

Getting used to life with out you jay isn't going to be easy, but its not going to be impossible. I miss you   tons. I love you to the moon and back to infinity and beyond and forever and ever. 

Save me a spot up there.