That's it.

Even on the darkest days everyone seems to shed some light. When you're feeling like you can't keep going, your mind doesn't let you quit with out you knowing. You walk with your head held low and your chin held high, hoping people aren't wondering why. You keep a smile on your face but a frown on your heart knowing there is someone out there who tore it apart. You're holding it together for what seems to matter most, but in reality all they see is a ghost. They feel your presence but aren't aware no one understands you, even when you're there. You shed some happiness on those who need it, while they're left thinking 'don't you need it most?' All you have left to do, is go with what you love most.

Good, better best.

That's not good enough.

That will never be good enough.

You don't try your hardest.

Youre not doing a good job.

Youre failing.

Why cant you be like the other teenagers.

Why cant you study what I want you to study.

Why aren't you smart enough.

Why are you how you are.

Why don't you have friends.

Why cant you get a boyfriend.

Why are you sitting there.

Why are you so lazy.

Why cant you pick up after me.

Why cant you pick up your brother.

Why do you prefer to be anywhere other than home.

 

How am I going to be good enough, if you cant see all the good I try to do?

How will it be good enough if you've never seen me when I try?

How do you know im not trying my hardest when you've never encouraged me?

How do you know I wont pass?

How am I supposed to be like other teenagers if im just me?

How am I supposed to study something I don't have a passion for?

How am I supposed to be smart enough for you when you've never seen my education skills?

How do you know I don't have friends?

How am I supposed to get a boyfriend when everyone leads me on then leaves?

How do you know I didn't just clean your whole damn house?

How do you know if im lazy if youre never home?

How do you know if I don't pick up after you, if you cant notice what you ate that morning?

How do you know if I didn't pick him up, and hes just playing the back yard?

How do you expect me to love being home when all that goes on around here is you judging me?

Why cant you just accept me for who I am, and stop telling me to change.
Don't compare me to anyone else.
I AM ME.
You cant change that. You will NEVER be able to change that.
You never realize all the damage youre causing on me, but yet there you sit.
 

9 months

"Rest In peace Janet. I love you tons sis. I always will. You were the best example ever. I miss you"

"Jay.. You were such a good person. I can't express how I feel. You were always there.. No matter what. I remember when we were little in Mexico, wed always try to get money some how so we could go buy ourselves some candy.. I remember when you started junior high. You were so nervous, but excited. I'm glad I got to be with you at mountain view this year though. If anyone lived their senior year to ...the fullest.. It was you. With your amazing solo in your choir concert, to being homecoming queen, to winning that scholarship; and graduating. You had some pretty awesome times. You would always tell me about them.. I got pretty jealous because you had so much fun. You're still the same beautiful crazy sister I know. I know wed always fight and stuff, but were sisters. We still have that love for each other that no one will. You hate when people say your perfect, but man, can I say.. Your perfect just the way you were. If you were here right now, you'd probably be pulling out them jokes, being a weirdo as always. I'm going to miss your sombrero dance.. I'm going to miss you. You're forever young. I'm mot sad because you passed away.. Well I am.. But im more grateful that I got to spend these last few days with you. You're a great sister. My hero actually. You're now and always will be my guardian angel. If you saw how many people lover you, you'd feel so special. I know you do right now.. Probably looking down at us smiling at all the love towards you. It was gods plan. You're in a much better place now. Say hi to grandma for me. See you soon my angel♥. I love you more than you can imagine."

 

Janet's viewing will be from 10 - 5 tomorrow at the sunddberg - oplin mortuary. 495 s state street. Orem Utah.

"Janet's mass will be tomorrow at 10:30 am. 65 east 500 north Is the address. After church we will all go together to the cemetery. Please wear white. She never liked seeing black. She will love it."

"Saturday at the car wash there will be shirts that say "Janet Velasco sunrise Nov. 2 1993 sunset July 8 2012. " she grew wings and learned to fly." if you want one let me know. I only have 40 of each size. its 8 dollars, and its gotta be paid there. If you want one find me that day. Please and thanks"

"Jaaay. This week has been hard. So hard. Sunday we found out you had become an angel. The most beautiful angel ever. I had to break it to mom and dad.. I honestly don't know I did it.. But I did. You gave me the strength. We were surrounded by family and friends all day. You would of been so annoyed with everyone. On Monday.. The family got to ser you. Please forgive me for not being able to look ...for too long. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that thats you. When I finally got the strength to go back in there with you, I couldn't cry anymore. I haven't fully cried since. You would of made fun of me for it.. Punk. I got a feeling that you were with me. You have been keeping me strong. After we saw you, we came home, and more family came.. Were Mexican.. Big family's. Duuuhhhhh. Tuesday came along and it was your viewing. Sooooo many people came to see you! You'd be amazed sis. It was crazy! We had my tio come down.. Everything. You got the family together. Just for you. Wednesday.. We had your church. You filled up the room. It was so pretty. I gave a little speech talking about you. Esos ojos de guacamole. I felt alot better.. After we all went to thw cemetery. Such a perfect spot for you. Your spot. So many people. They played "make you feel my love" by Adele.. It was so you. There was so many flowers! So many people. They all love you. We all do. We saw you go down.. It was hard. But we were strong. Everyone put a flower in with you. Then everyone left.. But we stayed behind to put the dirt on you. It was special because family got to do it. Your cousins. Your sis.. We came home and were just with family. You were here too! Today we went to go see you. Its decorated by your flowers. So many. Its pretty! Then we saw your other spot. It was hard to look, but im glad I saw it. I love you angel. Your the coolest cat I know. Im not sad your gone. Im happy I got to be with you. Test in paradise angel! And remember..... Yolo."

 

"If theres one thing I hate in this world. It would have to be motorcycles."

 

"I lost a sister, but I gained an angel"\

 

"Tomorrow will be exactly 20 days since you left us. I cant believe its been so long.. It kinda just feels like youre out with your friends like you would always be. Everyday just seems to get harder. But its making all of us stronger. I miss you sis. I dont look forward to coming home anymore, youre not here for me to tell you what happened in the day. I cant even text you to tell you something ex...citing.. I used to do that all the time. i miss hearing your crazy stories. You always had something different. Each day. I miss that. Even though you kinda didnt really like me sometimes, were sisters. Thats what we do. Its just so weird.. We only see you sundays now. Its becoming a family tradition to go visit you. Tomorrow were headed to idaho! you were so excited to go. It was the one thing you were looking forward too. I love you sis. Take care of us. Youre always close to the heart! Janet Velasco ♥"

 

"16 years ago today, we lost one of the most important person in our lives. I was only 3 months old, so i don't remember her, but from what i hear she was amazing. Even though i was to young to even know what was going on, i understand now. I never got to know you but I truely do miss you. Mostly because i would of like to met you. I love you grandmaaa! Watch over us. Youre with janet now! Love you both. Two little angels watching over us."

 

All this was said just 9 months ago. My post before this was saying how I love being Mexican because me and Jay went to go eat tacos that night.. And then the next day.. Well, that happened. Im incredibly blessed with my older sister as my angel. Now, I have 3. My grandma passed away in January. So I have three incredible women looking after me. How blessed am I? Don't take your family members for granted. Especially your sisters. You never know what can happen tomorrow. 9 months, and it still feels like yesterday. I love you sis! To the moon and back and forever and ever.

Missing you.

I MISS you.

 

 

 

 

Its still not real.

I loveee youuu sistaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

 



Happy.

I'm broken.

I'm happy.

I'm exhausted.

I'm a dreamer.

I'm a believer.

I'm hurt.

I'm weak.

I'm imperfect.

I'm a fighter.

I'm loving.

I'm angry.

I'm frustrated.

I'm sad.
I'm respectful.

I'm annoyed.

I'm caring.

I'm heartfelt.

I'm in pain.

I'm a movie lover.

I'm strong.

I'm in shock.

I'm awkward.

I fall easily.
I love reading books.
I don't understand technology much.
I love being outdoors.
I have liked someone for so many years, its unreal.
I want to be an aerospace engineer. (or any type of engineer)
I push myself until I cant any longer.
I hate my job.
I hate getting yelled at.

I cant express my feelings.

I'm fighting for what I believe in.

I have a mind that wont stop showing me things I don't want to see.

I replay the worst moments, just to help me see what I can improve.

I've been to hell and back, but that's my plan.

I'm blessed to have my best friend, who is now an angel, always with me.

I still cant believe what actually happened.

I hold back my tears.

I cant hold back my rudeness at times. (sorry)

I've changed.

I broke the news to my parents.

I broke their hearts.

I could of stopped my sister.

I didn't.

I know that was gods plan. It happened because it was supposed to.

I have a never ending love for my family.

I never knew what pain actually was, until now.

I am Happy.

I've experienced things most wouldn't, yet I am happy.

I feel happy, I can see happiness in me.

I still have all this pain and hurt in me, but happiness is what I feel the most.

I have my low points, but I can assure myself I will be happy.

I have hope.

I wont give up.

I will be 100% there one day.

I'm not quite there, but I promise.

I will be.

This is me.

 

 

 

 

 

I hate cats, and I honestly don't like how this cat looks, but it cracks me up every single time I look at it.

Praise the lord for ugly cats.

Lezbehonest.

Thanks to my main hoe Karla I'm doing this shiiiii.
 . 

1. Ma main hoes are karla and becca.

2. My biggest fear is becca. Psych im probably hers.

3. I hate dressing up, or doing my hair and make up. Hence the lion hair guys.

4.I have a valentine this year... Thats right. Its the one and only Karla.

5. I don't share my emotions, i keep them to myself.. Its easier that way.

6. When i grow up i want to be an aerospace engineer, or a physical trainer. (professional under basket water weaver if those don't work out)

7. Im not comfortable around tons of girls (especially karla when she lifts her shirt)

8. Music is what helps me get through the day.

9. I always wanted to be skins not shirts. When i was 4 i hated that boys could run around with out shirts but girls had to keep them on, so i threatened my mom to run around with out one.

10. Ive never been in a good relationship. Yep, that means you man.

11.I hate feet. and other peoples bathrooms. Ew , no blaaaahhhhhahahahahha]

12. I'm the greatest singer. Adele would be ashamed.

13. Jay is my motivation.

14.I hate cats, yep i have no soul. But neither do they. Those little gross creatures.

15. I have a random passion for baseball.. Thank you jesus for those baseball pants.

16. Beyonce is ma main girl crush..

17. Tacos are my favorite thing to eat. I can eat like twenty of those.. Mexicans..

18. I've always wanted to live out in the mountains. Just me and my knife. jk, just really wanted to live out there for atleast a week or so.

19. I wont sugar coat things, if i dont like you or what your doing , i will tell you.

20. I dont like how after jay died, tons of people started talking to me just because they felt bad.

21. I rock at pda. Public display of awsomeness.

22. I have made plenty of milkshakes and no boys have ever showed up at my yard.

23. I like big butts and i cannot lie.

24. I'm shy in the beginning, but after a while i open up.

25. Yeah its 25, but im keeping this going. I'm on a roll.

26. I promise im not mean, im just really awkward.

27. If i could live in shorts and t-shirts i really would.

28. I faint a lot, if i faint one of these days, its normal. Just elevate my legs.

29. I'm not like most the girls you will meet. I'm extremely different. I find it hard to fit in.

30. This is the biggest shocker in the world guys.. I'm MEXICAN. Look past the white skin, dark hair and kind of colored eyes, you will see the biggest beaner there is. Promise.

Shout out to ma bih karla for helpin a sista out! Also a big fat eff you for putting me in this mess.
 t(-_-)t


Andd... sorry guys im not tagging anyone.

now enjoy this lovely picture.

Whoop there it is.

2012.

I honestly couldn't be happier that it is over.

It wasn't a bad year, but it wasn't a good one either.

There's been better.

The first 4 1/2 months of it were great.

Dance performances in January, Yogurtland every single day with the sisters

to just going out and having fun with friends or sisters!

My biggest treasure, the cutest little thing i have ever laid eyes on was born on January 27! 

That was defiantly the brightest thing of the whole year.

After April, well. Everything just went kinda down hill. 

Momma had to go to Mexico because my grandma got sick.

I had to go to summer school the first two weeks of summer. (i hate you drivers ed)

So i never did get the chance to go with jay to seven peaks!

After that, i just chilled.

Didnt really go out much. 

Just stayed home.. And you know.. Chilled.

I also was in and out of appointments with doctors.

Got a heart monitor on June 25. 

Poppa left to Mexico on June 26.

He left me and jay here while he went to pick my mom and brother up!

It was exciting. 

After almost 2 months of not seeing them, they were finally coming home!

They got here on July 6th.

Well as everyone knows. She passed away on July 8.

Woooorrst thing that has ever happened to my family.

Thats why i honestly didnt like 2012.

But hey, it did leave behind some great memories.

Not gonna complain about that. 

Everything in July was so weird.. 

We did go up to Idaho the last weekend though!

Seeing a bunch of drunk people dancing around, and seeing my whole family together.

It was so great.

I left to Californiaaaaa on august something.. I dont remember.

But it was great! Best trip.

My amaaaazing cousins were there with me everyday, and made it the best trip !

From beaches, to hollywood to universal studios.

Couldnt of asked for anything more.

Then school came along.. 

School sucks.

Lets leave it at that.

But there was some great things about it.

From all the friends you meet, to all the things you do.

I did go to Homecoming and sadies!

Greatest. They were the best.

Thanks to the amazing dates i had!
 David and Aaron!

Also to the very best friend i have had through it all. Beccaaaaaa.

The one the only burnt bean.

I couldnt have asked for a better best friend through this whole year.

It hasnt been very easy. 

But it is always nice having a good friend around.

Also to the good friends i made! Like kenna.. And jess.

Man, craziest girls, but also the greatest.

I got a job in November.. so this year, i also grew up.

Boo.
Christmas was spent well.
Welcoming the new year without my parents was strange though!

 I'm done writing. Enjoy my 2012 pics erryone. (Theres alot. sorry guysssss)

 Heeelloooo 2013.
Spent the very first day watching Pitch perfect..
Guys. I think i might like this year.
Might, though. dont get too excited.

I'm not gonna say "new year new me" because lets face it guys.. 

You stay the same. 

No changing.. 

Just your normal old self. 

Welp. Yep.
That was my year.
p.s. "I ate my twin in the womb."